I Have A Complicated Relationship With Mercury

This morning was not unlike many other mornings in my life where instead of waking up at the usual time of 7 o’clock, I woke up at 3 am. I needed to pee, I needed water, and I needed to wake up from an insane dream of me standing in temple reciting Torah, completely unaware that I was dressed up as Gil Faizon, Nick Kroll, from their Broadway performance of Oh, Hello. 

However, instead of falling back asleep, I ended up wandering around Youtube until 7:30 in the morning watching several Vox mini-series, makeup tutorials by Violette_Fr, and old Watch What Happens Live episodes. It was irritating, to say the least. I was annoyed, tired, and restless, and then I realized something, I brought this entirely upon myself. 

Four days ago, on the 16th, I made an announcement on Instagram, making everyone brutally aware of the fact that Mercury, was once again, in retrograde. I mocked the fact that this was so by announcing sardonically ‘Happy Mercury Retrograde Everybody,’ completely unaware of the fact that Mercury would be listening, and would punishing me within the same day.

Context: I announced Mercury in retrograde with a series of bees buzzing around my Insta-story only to wind up four hours later being stung by a bee, for the first time, on my tongue. Said destroyer of a perfect cappuccino flew into my coffee cup and hid within the foam until I, unassuming consumer, drank it, and was stung on the tip of my tongue. That day resulted in several attempts to scrape my tongue free of the stinger, stressing out about dying, and drinking vodka to numb the pain. 

By day two I thought that I had already received my punishment when I decided to go out with some friends to a Mexican restaurant here in Austin called Lichas where I decidedly didn’t order anything. Instead, I took a bite out of Morgan’s mushroom quesadilla that, to my surprise, had peanut sauce drizzled in it. Drum roll…da da da da da da da dum. I’m allergic to peanuts. We left the restaurant, headed home, injected two large epinephrine pens into my thigh and doped up on some Benadryl and thus ended the second day. 

By the third day, I decided to lay low, and I remained cozily inside my house for the majority of the day. By the fourth day all seemed clear, which leads me to the fifth night, and or, fifth morning, to which, I awoke in the middle of the night and stayed up all morning. 

Three things happened that were seriously unfortunate within the span of this retrograde, and I fully believe that I am solely to blame for this undoing. I tested Mercury by mocking his backspin into a retrograde territory and thus, am being punished by the wing-sandaled god of communication.

If there is anything that I can deliver you on a silver platter before Thanksgiving is over and the general premise of The Giving Issue is finished, is you get what you give.

Everything is cyclical.

The universe is a bully.

AND Mercury should not be tested.

If you’ve been having a crummy end of November as I have, don’t worry, we’ve now entered Sagittarius season where sunshine and rainbows live and retrogrades end. Maybe saunter on over to your favorite store and purchase some accessories and sprinkle yourself with department store glitter and get ready for December, that’s what I’m going to do, so if the next few days you decide to follow me on social media, you might see Instagram stories of me rolling around the floors of Nordstrom trying to adhere the glitter to my body.