I Was Totally Buggin’

This past week, I felt personally deflated by my own need to define Tova and Wild. I worked hard over the past month, rewriting, thinking, and talking it over and over and over (and over) with Morgan to try and gain some sort of cognizance for the meaning behind the vision that I have for Tova and Wild. I was told a while ago, by one too many a blogger and entrepreneur, that if I wanted to write, and I wanted to make my own business, I needed to define it for myself and for my audience.

What the experts didn’t tell me, was that this process would be much more difficult than described and inherently troubling for someone who hates putting things into neat little boxes. Not only that but in defining my mission and vision, I would also have to understand that I am not yet where I want to be—I needed to check my ego at the door.

Confidence and pride are two concepts that are particularly troubling for me. On one hand, I don’t tend to think very highly of myself or the things that I create. More often than not, I feel anxious and go through bouts of extremely low self-esteem where I fall victim to doubting my existence, questioning my method, and believing that I am unworthy of any sort of propriety in the world. At the same time, it is my pride that lends itself to not asking for help, not admitting when I’m wrong, and fixed in needing to have things perfect before presented. On the other hand, I am gregarious, charming, motivated, confident in my outward expressions, and overly optimistic. This side of my personality tends to shine a lot brighter than the inward one that has nervous energy flitting about. BUT pride is never something that I realized I needed to deal with directly until I realized it was hindering any sort of progression I wanted to make with my blog. You see, what happened after August’s ‘G’ Issue fiasco, came a new sense of hope and delight over creating something that would resonate and propel TW in the direction that I wanted it to go—what I didn’t realize is that I am still in the midst of the journey—I have not yet become, what I envision.

Does that make sense?

I was nervous to write a blog post. I was nervous to fuck it up and take a detour from the intention I had set out. I was nervous about the timing of everything and whether or not I could give myself more time to grow. Again, I was plagued by pride in allowing myself to grow in a new way, yet at the same time, was encouraging you, to grow.

Hypocritical? Real?

That’s when I realized, it wasn’t fear that was keeping me from writing, it was my ego, both the proud and confident version and my deflated personae. Both need to be left behind because TW is not for me, it’s for you. TW is not just for my personal appeasement, it’s a way to grow together in a community that wants to better themselves and the world around them. Period.

My advice for you, or anyone setting out to do their own thing, is to check your ego at the door—both the side that is inflated and deflated—they’re not welcome. Then, write out your intention and mission and what have you, and remind yourself of them whenever you are feeling stuck, self-absorbed, or any weird mix of emotions that are preventing you from creating and being the person you are meant to be. Then, keep moving forward.

Has anyone else gone through something similar with their work? Does anyone else feel like they have both an inflated and deflated ego that is crippling them from becoming the person that they want to be? Am I still just writing to myself?