The month of November is the month of Transformation—not only because we start to transition from warm weather to cold here in California, cold being 60 degrees, but because we start to enter into the zodiac time of Scorpio and Sagittarius, which by its nature stands for transformation and regeneration and positivity.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means? What it means to transform, do we actually transform? And it got me thinking about some things I would currently like to change in my life.
One of those being my current lack of self-confidence.
Over the past few months, I have had a lot of great moments when it comes to my work and relationships and home life. But there has also been this underbelly of insecurity that has plagued me. It’s sneaky because, most of the time, I am totally unaware that it is happening, but when it comes it is fierce.
I went to the doctor the other day and found out I gained 15lbs. Most people out there would really roll their eyes and tell me to chill the fuck out, but for me, that felt like a huge deal. I had been feeling sluggish lately, insecure about my appearance, I dyed my hair a while ago dark black my hair has lost all of its natural curl, I had been breaking out, so many random little things regarding my appearance that honestly felt so strange.
I had never really felt insecure about my appearance, body, or anything for most of my life. The last time I felt this way was one summer in high school when I was working out a lot and I started bulking up a bit. It threw me off entirely and I hated it. I felt large and didn’t enjoy it.
Then over the past year, I lived with my family, and I felt really insecure about my appearance for a while. Mainly because I felt like I couldn’t take photos of myself. It was weird, again, I had never felt insecurity over this area of my life, but I could feel it seeping in and I didn’t know how to stop it.
Does that make sense?
Our relationships with our bodies are so unique and reflect such intricate meditations on our identity and overall happiness. The popular opinion tends to convince us that our bodies, our cultural identities, our style is only as good as public approval. It’s a weird strive for perfection that seems so rampant in culture today.
It is 2017, and as much as we have changed the world, rejected norms, and made a difference culturally, we have also created higher standards and unrealistic expectations with which we project all over social media.
I know that in reality, this sounds very vain and sort of obvious, but I think it’s something to consider when you start doing things that are unfamiliar or scary. For me, these thoughts and ideas started popping into my head as soon as I started stepping out of my comfort zone.
My mom always told me growing up, “Fake it till you make it.” And when it comes to body insecurities it seems rather difficult to fake it right?
In my experience, I have realized that faking it until I’ve made it, has actually worked for the majority of my life. I have often stepped into things that I wasn’t prepared or ready for and just worked my ass off until I achieved the goal, so why can’t I do that for my body insecurities as well.
This month is going to be about “faking it until I make it,” and hopefully by the end of the month, I have changed my own perceptions of myself. How will I do that? I’m going to take a selfie every day of the month in order to catalog what I wear and how regardless of what I feel like, I will be loving myself regardless of what I look like and wear.
When I’m feeling particularly shitty, I am going to wear something nice, to make myself feel better. BUT I will say that I went through a horrible purge a few months ago when we moved and got rid of SOOOOOOO many clothes that I practically have nothing, but I think this will just teach me how to vary things more and to actually try out new styles. Who knows, maybe I’ll feel like myself again by the end of it, maybe I’ll just be more insecure, maybe I will just look like a lunatic. My guess is that I’ll be walking runways in no time!